Posted in Uncategorized

Unfinished paintings. Finished feelings.


“I’m done for now. Maybe for ever with this painting.”

I said as I kept down my partially painted canvas on the floor. I was surrounded  by pencil shillings, chocolates wrappers, smudges from the charcoal and colored water that I had accidentally knocked down a few hours ago.

Off course there were those crumpled pieces of unsatisfactory work lying lazy like a dog in the warm desert across me and off course there were those spilled color marks of frustration on either of my walls. 

But in the end, I did what I always did.

‘The best of me in my painting.’ I breathed in pride.

I slowly took it in my hand like my prized possession and clipped it to the rope where I had clipped the rest of my paintings and sketches.

I looked down at my palms and saw rivers of happiness in red and blue and green and a mixture of it all painted naturally on them, running all over my hands and down my dress.

 I never minded this mess for this mess was my very own, a part of me and my identity.

“You were born for it,

We knew long before.

An absolute fool,

No doubt you are,

For not doing the thing,

That your heart resides in.” .

I’ve heard lots of them say this to me but I guess I’m so adamant that I’ll never pay heed to them and their words.

This is what makes my love for my talent special. Not dedicating all of my time to it.

If I’d do that, how would I grow myself in other subjects, other fields of interest that this world beholds?

I am and always will be the curious cat, so don’t mistake me as a fool for I know what I do and want to do.

You see there’s a whole lot of reasons I have, none of them I want to share. 

But you just know this one little thing, someday I’ll be something extra ordinary, not only in my passion, but also in my struggle and pain, not that I fully plan on being extra ordinary. I just want to be me in the end, like always.

#Me on taking science as a major in senior high school.

Posted in Uncategorized

My sole movie review- #Boyhood

Ask me to review a movie or to share its storyline until the day I watched Boyhood and I would’ve laughed right in your face because let’s face it, I’m not at all good at renarrating movies and I don’t watch much of it anyways.
But you know, sometimes you just come across certain things, places or people and you just either entirely associate yourself with it or you relate and connect to some level.

It’s basically the same with me and this movie.

So here’s a movie review treat from me to you, my adorable readers.

Lead Cast:

 Ellar Coltrane as Mason Evans Jr.(Protagonist)

Patricia Arquette as Olivia Evans(Protagonist’s mother)

Lorelei Linklater as Samantha Evans(Protagonist’s elder sibling)

Ethan Hawke as Mason Evans(Protagonist’s biological father)

About the movie:

This movie is quite rare and special for it has been shot over a period of 12 years. It’s director, Richard Linklater wished to tell the story of a parent-child relationship that follows a boy from the first through the 12th grade and ends with him going off to college. 

The scripting of the film was based on the previous year’s documented footage and the shooting began in May 2002 when the lead, Ellar Coltrane was 7 years old and ended when he turned 19. 

The character’s plot points and their behavioral instincts have been extracted from parts of their real lives as and how it went which gives the movie a realistic approach.

Boyhood premiered theatrically on July 11,2014 to earn a 19th position ranking in the North American box office through its limited release in only 4 theatres. The rankings went upto the 11th position when it was widely released on August 11 in the same year.

Since then, the film has bagged many awards and titles to its name in various departments of the film industry. This year, Metacritic named it the most acclaimed film of the 21st century so far.

My views:

Honestly, according to me, this movie is a marvel in social, emotional and psychological aspects. It creates an impact on the audience in all the right places and fills you deeply emotionally. As a person who watches few movies, I couldn’t have asked for a better one.

Posted in Uncategorized

Whirlwind of emotions. -A ballerina’s speech.

  

I could hear them call my name onto the stage and that’s when I could feel my heart beat real fast for the first time. I had never performed before in front of an audience for it was always me, my instructor and an otherwise empty dancing room keeping our identity safe. I heard them applaud to welcome me as my instructor led me on encouragingly. All these months of getting my steps perfect had finally narrowed down to this very moment. I could neither feel, see nor hear anything except me exposed in front of the bright spotlight.

The familiar sound began in seconds and my body moved rhythmically to it as if we were conjoined in the moment that solely belonged to us. I closed my eyes in accordance and soon, I felt all the elements that ever existed gush into me. I was no longer limited to my body or to the stage. I was with the nature; I was with the wind and its peaceful swaying, I was with the water and the fire in its own harmony, I was with the air and the ground in their blissful matrimony, I was with all of it.

The elements unknown called out to me, they needed me like I needed them. I did my pirouettes to the music of the materials and the existence of everything. I was no longer afraid for I wasn’t with the judging eyes but their ecstatic hearts. I was one with all.

The spinning came to a gracious stop as I did my last stretch to pay my respects and there went the thumping of hands in melodious claps. The one that encouraged me so that I could inspire, like many said and there my job was done. To inspire and to awaken. If someday my art were dying, I would still do it and extend help for others to follow as well for I know what it feels like to take in the scent of your kits in your hand for the first time, to get that one turn, that one stretch perfectly like a painted canvas and to be an organized, harmless and an impactful whirlwind of emotions through expression. I know it all for I’ve felt it deeply, very deeply that the sound of it still pumps my adrenaline just the way it had when I had first heard of it. Until then, it’s an another successful performance to my crown.

I missed you readers so much. Keep reading. 

Love, Nirmiti❤️

Posted in Uncategorized

Ashamed? Shouldn’t be.

  

On positivity and being you.

I always wanted to do things that I’ve loved. But I never did them. Why? Because I thought that I just wouldn’t fit right in the place.

When I was younger, I always loved to read books and newspapers which I always chose on top of socialising. I had always believed that socialising wasn’t meant for me and that I was meant to be this way; with my own self away from the crowd. But a part of me would definitely get hurt whenever I got bullied because of my choices. I had fewer friends compared to a normal kid. All my childhood, I had been called “weird” for choosing books and sketching over cartoon channels and fresh evening air.

I remember that I used to get pinched and pushed down from my seat in the school bus by those girls who pretended to be my friends. I remember never raising my voice against them as I looked at my sister for help which she returned with a look that told me to be strong and fight my own problems and people. I felt weak in front of them who ganged up against me. I used to skip my meals during recess and ate the extremely cold food in the backseat of my bus at 5 in the evening when everybody was gone because I didn’t want them to name my mother’s food harshly which they used to do happily.

For them, all of this was having fun whereas for me,well, it broke my self-esteem and hopes to find a good company someday.

Switching schools felt like a great opportunity to me. It was like a lost light that I thought I would never see and I wanted to make the most of it.

I didn’t want to face the situations of my past again. So I decided to change myself. I decided to change every bit of me because I wanted a chance to be accepted for once.

My book covers turned to dust, the paints and the brushes started getting cobwebs on them as I went out more. I switched myself from being the “obnoxious silence” to the “loving voice.”

Why? Because maybe, I was affected by what people did and thought of me. But that never changed. I thought that changing would do me good, but it didn’t.

I was called names for being too loud or too chirpy. Again, I was the weird one for attempting to crack jokes that always failed. I was given a specific nickname for an entire year by my classmates for the way I used to catch my ball during sports class. 

It hurt. And it went deep because no matter what I did, I was always tagged or threatened in a “fun” way for my words or my actions. 

But something changed in me as I grew up all along these years. I knew that I wasn’t being myself anymore and hence I did what I had always loved.

I catered to my books and my drawing sheets once again, blowing away everyone with my hidden art. I started believing in myself and loved every bit of me.

I was no longer ashamed of whatever I did and nothing affected me. And that’s when the change around me happened.

People started loving me, accepting me as one of their own. They believed in me and my work and that’s what mattered. 

I felt alive because I was me. I was no longer ashamed of who I was on the inside and I realised that I was “bullied” because I let my thoughts ponder more on it instead of letting it go which was insane.

I am Nirmiti, a soon-16 year old who believes in being the adored and even the worst version of you at times, but basically in being you. I don’t want you to be ashamed or shy of what you do because I know whatever you do from your heart, you’ll be the best of you.

So maybe, just live a little more and learn to love you to love others.

Ciao.

-I’ll always love you and believe in you.-


Posted in Philosophy, Uncategorized

Why is social acceptance a mandatory whim of the present?

Because even though you don’t want to belong anywhere or to anyone, you simultaneously want to make a mark and leave an impact.

Because positivity and peace is a thing of the past and everyone’s last resort.

Because the fire signs are raging with the raging environment that envelopes you and is ready to blow you out of their comfort wombs that you had once taken misadvantage of.

Because fame is the current identity and publications and features are your present godparents.

Because, because.

The survival of the fittest by Charles Darwin has now woven itself not only in biology, but also in spirituality, mentality and all the other unknown zones that we feel.

The ancient theories and the golden written records are coming into light and marking its territory over your insensitive and insecure greens.

What have you done so far except getting noticed and attended to? Maybe, just maybe, we could all see beyond the horizons of our so called truth.

And therefore, becoming socially acceptable is like becoming a slave to the masters of falsity and treachery, which you have confused as your ultimate solace.

But the fact will always remain that sociality is always binding back your true senses and your hidden wings to freedom, thus binding you till eternity to this mortal life.

#PhilosophicalSchoolyardWithNirmitii☘

I want to give up and not give in to this stress that’s building up within me. Like I said, my mind is out of its normalcy and hence, this post.

Posted in Uncategorized

Breathe

Screw you boards for making me feel like this. Nightmares are capturing my mind and it’s so hard to think right at this moment. Even though I won’t possibly fail, every moment I’m feeling like it. 

5 days to boards and I’ve never felt this pressurized and doubtful of myself regarding academics.

This is just a rant to help me  

 feel better. Okay? Don’t judge my mentality or my pessimist ways right now readers. Better idea. Ignore this if possible. Thankyou.

Cut. Scribble. Cut. Cut . Cut.

It was past midnight and I wasn’t sleepy at all. Surprising? Not to me for I’ve been awake from the past 5 days. It’s a scary little thought if you let open your wild imagination,but not to me.

This is my routine, my thing now. Something which I deeply hate yet end up doing involuntarily.

For now, I’m the puppet of stress and the time, my ultimate master. I’m binded and blinded by the stress which slowly makes its way and prepares a warm cocoon for itself in my head. I’m running but not waiting to breathe again.

I’m alive but yet, dead.

It’s been a year already and I feel it’s wonderful end. The abrupt end that’s going to finally set me free. I can’t wait to see those happy and fresh faces again, the ones that could light up anyone’s day.

But for now I see morse and wrinkled eyes, wrinkled with the fear of not being the best. They’re alive just like me but have lost their spark somewhere on the way, just like me.

Thud. Boom. Thud. Thud. Thud.

My fists are kissing the walls, leaving hickeys in between the thin skin. My eye lids are begging to touch each other again, lovers that I’ve set apart, redness of hurt and pain filling my once peaceful whites.

I’m alive, but my body aches like death. But I won’t let it go to the addictive grave that I fondly remember.

Smiles. Giggles. Smiles. Smiles. Smiles.

I am here now, feeling a little better, healing a little more from the horrid pasts of depression, finally stepping in my own shoes and my happy skin.

I’m alive just like my peers, and now, we’re all breathing to live again.

Posted in Uncategorized

My dishevelled death

After this, I firmly believe that you guys will think of me in new light. Let me tell you what you’ll assume. You’ll judge me to be a victim of severe depression or maybe a pessimist espousal. Damn. But you gotta know that I am none of the above. Infact, its funny enough to tell you that right now, I am at the highest peak of happiness in my life. Hard to believe? Me think so too. Anyways, read on to fuel up your sadist self within. 💁🏻

The voices in myy head shoutedd loud and clear, something which I couldn’t decipher. The air turned pale and cold, too odd to be a day but somehow, I was still warm. I walked but couldn’t feel the ground. Numbness tinged my breath but somehow, I was still alive.

Then it happened.

Thhe suddenness in everything was scary and I stood still, wanting to shut myself completely from the troubling sounds but in the end, wanting to cry at my failure. Ughh. Everything sucked right now. I felt like I was there but my presence was still anonymous even to myself.

How did this even happen?

I couldn’t recollect even the bit of anything. It made me helpless. It made me feel something that I myself couldn’t understand.

Whatever it is, its making me feel the death of me.

Then I woke up suddenly to a completely different place. Everything was gone.

Wait; was I only having a nightmare? I thought against it for it seemed so real. I rubbed my eyes but in vain.

 So I walked, longing to find familiar faces. Sadly, I couldn’t find any to my dismay.

Again I stood lonely, wanting to go back to normalcy like an addict wanting his bliss. I wanted to give myself in to whatever was happening but I feared losing myself. So I went on.

I shut my eyes and opened them again. 

Wait. 

I remember this place. My house from 10 years ago in time. Oh that’s me in the corner of the room playing.

I look small and innocence seems to radiate from the tiny me. 

Why am I even seeing all of this? I was still highly bothered and clueless. And it thoroughly bugged me every second.

Just when I couldn’t take it I felt someone nudge me but the person doing that wasn’t visible. So again, I did what I’ve been doing for the past hours I didn’t bother to count. I shut my eyes and opened them again to find my old mother…

How did she get this old? 

I found her embracing me tightly like she would never lose her sight from me again. I choked but yet, I felt amazing. I asked her what was happening but her embrace started fading away. I tried catching hold of it but I eventually lost it. I wanted to cry but again, I couldn’t. I wondered what was happening to me in real. 

That’s when everything that I was seeing broke apart like shattered glass pieces and brought me in the present.

All of my doubts suddenly went away somehow as I felt a deep excruciating pain in my heart and I realised what a painful, gradual death truly felt like in torturous fragments.

And that’s when I took my last breath, living my last identity amongst my horrendous nightmares and heavenly dreams which merged and got buried away with me, into the elements of the great unknown.

  

Okay yeah, hope you’re not crying by now. Please don’t.

Damn. 

I’ll try to be chirpier and merrier post boards. Okay?😂❤️ Love y’all.

//Check out my new story called “Maybe Some Other Time” on wattpad. Not including any part of it here because it is in the romance genre which I want to keep my blog away from. If you happen to read M.S.O.T. and my other blog posts and you want to tell me how you feel about it then do write to me @nirmitiipandit.2000@gmail.com Okay? Waiting for your thoughts.🙊//