On positivity and being you.
I always wanted to do things that I’ve loved. But I never did them. Why? Because I thought that I just wouldn’t fit right in the place.
When I was younger, I always loved to read books and newspapers which I always chose on top of socialising. I had always believed that socialising wasn’t meant for me and that I was meant to be this way; with my own self away from the crowd. But a part of me would definitely get hurt whenever I got bullied because of my choices. I had fewer friends compared to a normal kid. All my childhood, I had been called “weird” for choosing books and sketching over cartoon channels and fresh evening air.
I remember that I used to get pinched and pushed down from my seat in the school bus by those girls who pretended to be my friends. I remember never raising my voice against them as I looked at my sister for help which she returned with a look that told me to be strong and fight my own problems and people. I felt weak in front of them who ganged up against me. I used to skip my meals during recess and ate the extremely cold food in the backseat of my bus at 5 in the evening when everybody was gone because I didn’t want them to name my mother’s food harshly which they used to do happily.
For them, all of this was having fun whereas for me,well, it broke my self-esteem and hopes to find a good company someday.
Switching schools felt like a great opportunity to me. It was like a lost light that I thought I would never see and I wanted to make the most of it.
I didn’t want to face the situations of my past again. So I decided to change myself. I decided to change every bit of me because I wanted a chance to be accepted for once.
My book covers turned to dust, the paints and the brushes started getting cobwebs on them as I went out more. I switched myself from being the “obnoxious silence” to the “loving voice.”
Why? Because maybe, I was affected by what people did and thought of me. But that never changed. I thought that changing would do me good, but it didn’t.
I was called names for being too loud or too chirpy. Again, I was the weird one for attempting to crack jokes that always failed. I was given a specific nickname for an entire year by my classmates for the way I used to catch my ball during sports class.
It hurt. And it went deep because no matter what I did, I was always tagged or threatened in a “fun” way for my words or my actions.
But something changed in me as I grew up all along these years. I knew that I wasn’t being myself anymore and hence I did what I had always loved.
I catered to my books and my drawing sheets once again, blowing away everyone with my hidden art. I started believing in myself and loved every bit of me.
I was no longer ashamed of whatever I did and nothing affected me. And that’s when the change around me happened.
People started loving me, accepting me as one of their own. They believed in me and my work and that’s what mattered.
I felt alive because I was me. I was no longer ashamed of who I was on the inside and I realised that I was “bullied” because I let my thoughts ponder more on it instead of letting it go which was insane.
I am Nirmiti, a soon-16 year old who believes in being the adored and even the worst version of you at times, but basically in being you. I don’t want you to be ashamed or shy of what you do because I know whatever you do from your heart, you’ll be the best of you.
So maybe, just live a little more and learn to love you to love others.
-I’ll always love you and believe in you.-