I am nearing the end of my board year and honestly, it’s quite scary. Well, I’m not at all scared about how much am I gonna score or which junior college will I be admitted into, but what I’m scared about is what am I gonna do after I’m done studying ( or rather memorizing ) a variety of subjects and going to be concentrated on a single subject that’s going to decide how much I will earn. Honestly, money is also not the scary part. The scariest and the most frightening thought is how am I gonna live with one particular subject? How am I gonna make an amazing and satisfying and fulfilling career out of it? Even if I cross that hurdle, am I gonna be accepted in this society in a respectful manner? What if I fail? What if I fall down? Am I gonna get up stronger again? Or am I gonna fall further?
I don’t know. And I think I will do a great job of being myself despite all of these worries.
I started writing this post with these questions and a certain level of anxiety that could give me high blood pressure if I am prone to it. But as I wrote further, eventually, I answered and indirectly advised my own doubts and fears. It did feel good.
Hope it makes somebody else feel good whenever they feel low of themselves.
“But tell me one thing; are you good enough?” she said to me.
“No. I never will be.” I replied.
“Are you okay with not being good enough?” she asked inquisitively.
“Yes, I definitely am. In fact, not being good enough gives me different pleasure.” I smiled and walked towards the exit.
Her question still paced hard in my mind and ran through my brain, again and again. I couldn’t get over it. “ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH?”
It’s a troubling thought to be honest.
Sometimes it did hurt to not be the best, but it certainly didn’t hamper my ideal philosophies and perspectives.
Some days, not being good enough did make me wonder about the uncertainty of my future, but it definitely didn’t scare me in any way.
I was up for it. I guess I was always ready to accept and work on whatever comes in my way and be the better me. Yes, it is tough in this world full of lies and betrayal; but, you never know.
The mind and the heart doesn’t lie. Nope, it never does. But to bring in everyone’s attention and notice I would love to say that both of them are indeed the most vulnerable and gullible things you’ll ever come across. The word ‘wanderlust’ was designed for the mind who travels to uncountable places that you’ll never reach for real, but still, you’re there. On the dark and the most lighted up days, searching for things that you know nothing of and about. What takes you there? Your heart.
The brain of your thoughts and ideas. The puppeteer of your dreams. The fuel of your aspirations and wants. And the most simple explanation, the hope of your own self.
Believe me or not, but there’s something out there that we haven’t discovered that makes us.
What is already discovered is just a part of it and not the entire thing itself.
This something is what makes you special and not just good enough.
Hear me out, not just good enough but the goodness entirely.
…And today, as I look back to her question, I am no longer afraid of being not good enough.
Something is meant for me, and that is a surety.
Yes. I’m bored enough of studies to write out random thoughts, and yes, also be ineligible to carry on a good and interesting conversation with anyone. Also, even you’re probably bored with my “too much of deep shit for a girl like you.” write-ups. Next time I’ll post something that’s not way too philosophical to hurt your head, for sure.